The Transformative Power of Compassion
“I learned a long time ago that the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side.” Maya Angelou
What do you think or feel when you hear “compassion’? Pause for a moment and see what comes up.
“Compassion” is derived from Latin, referring to how we’re with (com) suffering (passion). Suffering is an inescapable part of life, whether a stubbed toe, or losing someone you love. Imagine seeing a dear friend grieving a loss, or caught in an emotional tangle. Would you wish her to be happy and free? That wish is compassion. It’s also kindness, but includes the wish for suffering to end. Compassion is a state of mind, but really when we sink into it, it’s a way of being. For most of us it’s easy to feel compassion for others, but often hard to feel compassionate towards ourselves.
This was me, being hard on myself. Most women I know are hard on themselves. As I went through perimenopause, I noticed an annoying inner critical voice became louder. It reminded me of mistakes, and also manifested as comparison and disappointment. I’m very attuned to my mind, so not pleasant at all. Yet the critic was trying to show me things that needed to change, mingled with a misguided effort to keep me safe. This coincided with a difficult period personally, my mum’s health, relationship issues, the stuff of life which I won’t go into now. At this midlife point, I could feel that my tolerance for stress was greatly reduced, in part due to changing hormones. And, I felt bigger changes happening. In the background my spirit seemed to be doing an audit of life so far. I read this brilliant essay by Brene Brown which sums it up beautifully.
I believe this strange, awkward and wonderful midlife shift is not just about your changing hormones, that’s too reductive. Whether you see it as a spiritual shake up or the confronting of your own mortality, I knew I was processing many unhealed past experiences at the same time as trying to get a sense of my future. I craved physical space and silence, whilst I traversed a liminal space inside me. It feels a bit like the transition time before you actually give birth, completely between two worlds. As I used meditation to get beyond my unhelpful mind, I got closer to my heart. I listened deeply to the wiser part of me and discovered the healing power of compassion.
In doing my inner work I recognised how defended my heart had been. When we feel emotionally and psychologically wounded, we close down. The experiences in my childhood had taught me to be fiercely independent, so on the outside I’m rocking life, yet buried deep, deep in my psyche are feelings of not belonging, and being insufficient. I had a hunger for true connection and intimacy in all the places I didn’t have it. I wanted to love life, and I realised had to learn to really love myself, every day, especially when I made mistakes, when I didn’t feel joyful.. all of it. I waded through shame and got to know my suffering. I wanted to know it inside and out, instead of pretending it wasn’t there. I wanted to transform my suffering, so I embraced self-compassion. I found incredible teachers who shared their love when I felt undeserving. I met with grace which gifted self-forgiveness. I listened to my fears, and bathed them with kindness. I thought I was awake, but I only had my eyes half open. The way in is the way out, and compassion is a great companion.
I’m committed to sharing practices which tend to our hearts and reorient us back to love. It’s always been what I do, in all these years of working with women from pregnancy to end of life. The world needs more compassion.
Mindfulness and Compassion
Mindfulness mediation (or Insight) is about cultivating awareness in the present moment, to understand the nature of our experience and a wider reality. If we imagine awareness as a bird with two wings, one wing is mindful attention and the other is compassion. We need both wings to awaken and fly to freedom.
Many western mediation techniques focus on developing concentration and attention. To make meditation about concentration alone means we may ignore or avoid important psychological and emotional issues. If we’re aiming for a constant bliss state or enlightenment, we are likely to bypass our messy human experience and the opportunity to grow, to face our difficulties and find a way back to peace. We are consciousness, and human! I see spiritual bypassing all the time, and I know I’ve also been seduced into the possibility of simply transcending my problems. Also, if we reduce meditation to merely a technique for calming (which is a fantastic benefit) we limit the potential for gaining valuable wisdom. Insight meditation puts kindness and compassion right at the centre, so we can learn from our experiences and become wiser. Self-compassion asks the question “what do I need right now?” and “what do I need to ease my suffering?”
The full spectrum of compassion: tender and fierce.
Compassion is often misinterpreted as weak or soft. It actually has both yin and yang qualities, and it’s helpful to balance both. Yin or tender compassion expresses acceptance, comfort, soothing, reassurance, connection, validation. Yang expresses protection and motivation, and taking action. Kristen Neff, the pioneering self-compassion researcher, describes fierce compassion as being like a mother bear, who nurtures her cubs and is ready to powerfully protect them when needed. This fierce compassion roots us in self-worth and self-love, for who we are, not for how we are or what we do. When we stand in the energy of our inner authority, we can feel into our core values and recognise when our basic needs are not being met. It’s how we establish care for ourselves, and a solid sense of self-esteem which is not dependent on how others view us.
In a patriarchal society gender socialisation cuts women off from their fierceness and assertiveness, we’re taught to be tender, to fit in, be nice and be good. We might bury anger and swallow our rage, without realising anger as a messenger, telling us that our deep values have been compromised. Fierce compassion motivates change, to do the difficult things that are good for us, because we care about ourselves and our suffering. It’s what helps us draw boundaries, to leave the broken relationship, or stand firm in our determination for equity at work. Research shows that self compassionate people are more equipped to take responsibility for their life. They are more likely to flourish personally, and to be of service in the world without burning out. They also tend to do better in relationships, by being connected and kind to themselves, they are more resourced to be intimate and connected to others.
“Don’t turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That’s where the Light enters you.” Rumi
RAIN Meditation and Compassion.
I’m blown away by how effective this practice is in working with emotional pain and opening us up to self-love. This is a gentle, systematic process to Recognise what is going on; Allow the experience to be there, just as it is; Investigate with interest and care; and Nurture with self-compassion. It’s both a bottom up and top down approach, where we experience the pure somatic sensations of emotions, which helps us with calming, resourcing, and ability to expand the window of tolerance. Paradoxically, staying with those difficult feelings can actually help them to more quickly transform and diminish. It’s often in the bracing or pushing away that emotions become more amplified or solidified. Trauma is not only what happens, but how we are with what happens. We learn so much from the body, and through this process there is often a clearer psychological understanding of why we feel as we do, and a deeper knowing of what we need to achieve healing and repair. I use RAIN all the time, as a quick check in, and also for longer processing. Once learned it’s very adaptable and is also wonderful as a partner practice.
This kind of meditation helps us respond appropriately to situations, rather than from habituated reactivity, and then give ourselves the caring we need. It connects us to our basic goodness, we become more connected to our inherent wisdom, and joy comes closer.
“Whatever your difficulties - a devastated heart, financial loss, feeling assaulted by the conflicts around you, or a seemingly hopeless illness - you can always remember that you are free in every moment to set the compass of your heart to your highest intentions.” Jack Kornfield
Compassion and health: therapy, yoga and meditation.
Self compassion is strongly linked to physical health. Our state of mind impacts the body and how it functions. Negative thoughts alone can trigger the threat response, taking us into fight, fight or freeze. The nervous system’s attempt to seek safety when there is no real immediate threat is obviously counter productive, leading to high cortisol, inflammation, high blood pressure and increased cardiac risks. It’s impossible to stop thoughts, yet we can definitely watch what’s happening and cultivate conditions for positivity. It needs to feel authentic though, I’ve had limited success with the positive affirmation approach, but I find metta or lovingkindness meditation is really effective. I also have gratitude practice, and the trick here is to make it a deeply somatic experience by lingering with the good embodied feelings for quite some time. This embeds things in the brain and creates new neural pathways, you really can change your brain for the better.
Self-compassion can support the psychotherapeutic process. I’m not a therapist, so I will stay within the remit of my training and skills. It’s great to do both. I’d expect good psychotherapy to enhance self-compassion. When it works, the emphasis on self-acceptance helps to establish calm resourcing, buffer against shame and guilt, reduce feelings of isolation and is likely to provide a more secure base for deeper work. We are more likely to hold suffering with love, which is how any transformation happens.
We can use practices of meditation and yoga to cultivate the ground, by getting close to what we’re feeling in the body, tracking our emotional experiences, and noticing how we’re thinking. Exploring our inner landscape isn’t always easy and doesn’t always feel good, opening up to pain, grief or distress is sensitive work yet profoundly helpful in avoiding problems further down the line. Burying our pain only works for so long, the body does indeed keep the score. Yoga is profoundly helpful for nervous system regulation, through the postures and breathing practices we affect immediate physiological difference and can create lasting change. I absolutely love restorative yoga and it’s gentle power to downshift the nervous system to rest & digest response, leaving a beautiful residue of calm equanimity. It’s in a beautifully propped Savasana that I felt self-compassion through my whole body.
I’m incredibly grateful to have found my way into all these practices. When I reconnect to awakened presence, my heart energy expands and have a smile on my face. Whatever suffering I encounter (which is inevitable) I can also take in the good and feel grateful for the opportunity to live, breathe, learn and love. I wish the same for you too.
Join the mindfulness & compassion daylong for women, Saturday 14th September 2024 (booking closes 1st September)
Women's restorative retreat (limited places), 4th - 6th October 2024
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